Published by dryvonne on July 11th, 2011
Contrary to popular belief, humans simply cannot experience orgasm every time they’re sexually active. Male or female, you would be hard pressed to find the person for whom this happens. Yet the desire to have an orgasm more times than not is understandable, and realizing such has become a quest for many. Factors that lend themselves to a man or woman not experiencing climax on a consistent basis include:
• Psychological issues, such as obsessive/compulsive personality
• Interpersonal factors in the relationship
• Various fears
• Performance anxiety
• Drug/alcohol abuse
• Medications, including her birth control pill
• Nerve disorders
• A rigid, sexually repressive upbringing
• Childhood sexual abuse
• Shaming experiences related to one’s sexuality
• Ignorance about the body and sex
• Lack of trust
• Fear of intimacy
• Inability to let go
• Unskilled lover
• Insufficient mental arousal
• Sexual ignorance
• Poor communication skills with partner
Guy or gal, in investigating possible physical reasons for your lack of “O” at times, you should get a thorough physical exam and talk to your doctor about any possible physiological issues at play.
If any of the aforementioned psychological/emotional reasons struck a chord with you, then you may also want to work with a certified sex therapist to carefully review your sexual and psychological history. A therapist will work with you in pinpointing blocks; in reframing eroticism so it’s something more easily embraced; in coming to terms with any issues in your current sexual relationship; and strategizing ways to enhance your relationship. Body coaching may also be utilized if you need to learn to masturbate, feel better about your sexual self, or become more in-the-know about your sexual response.
As far as things you can do immediately and on your own in encouraging a more consistent climax, evaluate the circumstances that led to the orgasm(s) when you’ve had one. Was there some sort of specific stimulation involved, e.g., a certain technique used on your major erogenous zones? Was there a type of enhancement that turned you on, e.g., erotica? Did you have some sort of fantasy that got you going? Was there something about the dynamic between you and your partner during foreplay or in the days/hours leading up to sex that allowed you to let go?
If there seems to be a recipe for your orgasmic response, try to recreate such, exploring even more of your orgasmic potential during self-pleasuring. You may also want to consider incorporating a vibrator, using it on your hot spots during sex and/or having your partner perform oral sex on you prior to penetration, as research has found that those who are more exploratory, as in use erotica and sex toys, also tend to be more orgasmic.
For women who feel that her lover’s penis size is trumping her pleasure, in cases where he is larger, you need to first be able to communicate with him on him going too deep. He’s likely getting caught up in his response, but needs to respect that there’s only so far he can go. In having him go deeper comfortably, you may just need more foreplay. (Most women need 20 minutes of foreplay for their vaginal canals to elongate enough for comfortable penetration. Otherwise, a male’s penis can knock against her cervix, causing pain.) In cases where he feels “small,” you can seek to exercise your pelvic floor muscles so that you better trip him during intercourse.
Finally, more than anything, seek to be relaxed and well lubricated, as both will help to make the action smoother and more pleasurable.
Author: Dr. Yvonne K Fulbright, PhD.
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Emily Morse is a sex & relationship expert, author, talk show host and Bravo TV star. She is the host of Sex With Emily, a radio show and podcast about sex, relationships and everything in between. Listen to the show on demand at SexWithEmily.com, through iTunes or Friday nights on Sirius/XM Satellite radio. Emily also has two iPhone apps that will improve your sex life: Kegel Camp and Sex With Emily’s Sex Drive As a “sexpert,” Emily is known for her non-judgmental advice, accessibility and humor.